They encouraged me to start remembering who i used to be.
and now my mind is wandering in my father's room.
when i was about 6-7 i guess. i see the greenish wallpapers,
i always hated them.the room smells of rubber..of paint.. its amazing how i always go back in my life and i just remember smells...and colors..i see his kimono and the ping pong. I guess he still felt so young and careless then..he had hobbies and i was just a kid on his way..he loved me. Where is he now.. i am close to crying.. the air isn`t enough tonight. Its not only tonight. I can't sleep i just have those visions maybe till 2-3 in the morning. all my pets, all neighbours,my pranks, the kid i used to be. the kid that had loving parents and wonderful grannies.. and the kid that now feels so guitly and rotten..no grannies to hug her ..etc
its getting hard to breathe normally i want to stop those visions
i want to kill this Plamena i see now.
i wanna start all over.
From that room.
So that i'd never have had this blog..
you for i-friends...
this for a life..
its really strange to me how people treat me sometimes
as if i am eternal...no...i am not. this is what i've become and nothing more.. and nothing else..(and wtf in english)
i'll never be perfect and i guess some people will kick me out
but that's ok, i've survived so far..somehow someone's been pulling me out of the dirt..and if next time it'll be you- thanks in advance, i really need you to..
i tend to fall into the pits i dig myself too often.
i could say it's become a hobby by now
and its all because of Killing Joke and love like blood
it sounds like my memories..
traurig aber..wahr..
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